Its about 2:20pm. I’m in my apartment with the sun shining through the windows, about to get ready and see A again for the first time in months. What a journey this has been for us. I returned from overseas and was totally awash with how great of a person she is, and how naive of a person I would be to let her go easily.
I want to dedicate this site to the journey I am on to date well, to explore her and delight in her as a person, to love and be loved. I think its fair to say I am not skilled at loving people, at least, not in a way that they can receive. In some way, I do love people “in my own way”, as people say about one another. But in another way, I am prone to either total surrender or total abandonment. This chaotic swing is indicative of my inability to be measured, confident, and calm within the arena of love.
This is apparent in many of my friendships as well. Sometimes I can come across as cold and indifferent to people’s struggles, independent. But other times I come across as intensely needy. I guess, this heavy gradient is a gift, in that it makes me a very passionate person who is obviously alive. But in other ways, it is a symptom of inexperience and insecurity. Here is the truth: I can be cold in order to protect myself, and I can be overly suffocating upon her because I am afraid. Either way, fear has been a dominant factor in all my relationships.
This page is a catalog of my desire to really learn how to love her and be loved by her. Because, if I’m honest, I am unable to really care for her or allow her to care for me when fear is a dominant factor. This site is to remind me of the journey, to display the process in all its long form. I forget where I’ve been so easily, particularly the emotion. Only a week ago I was shaking on the couch because of how scared I was that she would say she had no interest in furthering our relationship. Today I have not so much fear but excitement.
The truth is, I wrote her a letter asking her if she was where I was at, if she still thought about me and would be willing to try again. I waited for four days, and finally couldn’t wait anymore, my emotions were on the fritz. I texted her and said, “I am so humbled to hear whatever you have to say.” She said, “I appreciate that. I’m writing you back.” I broke into tears, sure that she would only write me back if she had nothing to say to me in person, nothing but plain truth that she had moved on or found someone else. Are these tears hard to read? Yes. But they’re how things happened.
So she agreed to talk about it, and two days later I got a letter from her in the mail. I barely was able to sit down. Shaking I lowered myself onto a bench next to my apartment’s mailbox and opened her letter with trembling hands. I knew what was inside: the truth as to whether she was open or not open to try again.
And she was open. She was excited. I left my apartment with a big smile.
And here we are today, two and a half months since we broke up. I am getting ready to put a nice shirt on and brush my hair and drive to her house. I am so ready to see her again. My whole self is so ready.
I am scared of what we are going to say to each other. Will she be upset at me for the wrong things I did to her last time we dated, how I took her for granted and became harsh towards her when I got insecure? Will she herself be that insecure person who needs to be coddled, something I have great difficulty doing? My hope is that we will greet each other with something like grace, with understanding for how hard it is to love each other and be loved by each other. I am longing for tears and love to begin our day, and for laughter and stories to finish them out by the evening.
Dear God, I am so grateful for the opportunity to see this girl again. I am thankful for your continued participation in my life. I am sorry for not surrendering to you more often. Teach me how to do this. Help me to listen to her today God. Help us to laugh.